Handwriting
by princesstaranee
Summary: Your Fs look like knives, your Ts like floppy hats and your Ss are lovely and loopy. Don't you ever leave me.


**A/N yes, I do change person halfway through this story. Bear with me, it becomes clear! R&R, please. :D Also, if they seem a little OOC please remember the situation!  
**

Handwriting

The way his Fs look like knives on the page. I take in this last note that has been left. My thumb hovers above the first letter of the penultimate word and my heart breaks. The top of the F curves to a tip, as if he were writing with a calligraphy pen. Maybe he was using the one I gave him for his birthday last year. I know how he preferred to write anything than type it. I loved to watch him sign things for people, loved to see the care he took only for his fans. The line of the letter continues down to a point that shatters me. I whimper and slow tears trickle down my face for the first time.

The way he crosses his capital Ts. It reminds me of the large hat I wore last summer at the beach, all floppy and wide brimmed to hide my features from the looming paparazzi. He had told me to take it off, not to hide my beautiful eyes and I had laughed and told him to shut up. We'd spent the day in our own world, a bubble away from the drama that is life, splashing in the sea and burying each other in sand. So like children. How odd that me walking into here just now has made me grow up.

The way his Ss are large and loopy, so like my personality he said when I commented on it. He changed the way he did that letter, then, keeping this version I see before me for when you wrote to me. We didn't text each other, we left notes, notes written in our own personal calligraphy because we were personal to each other. Because we mattered to each other.

Or at least, you mattered to me. I would've gone to the ends of the earth for you if you'd told me what was wrong but instead you just gave up. You gave up on me, on your family, on everyone who gave a shit about you. Do you not see what it's doing to me, what you've done?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so angry with you. You couldn't cope, I understand. I love you and I thought you loved me but I guess that wasn't incentive enough to stay. I miss you already.

I reread the note tenderly, seeing how you wrote it with care, love, devotion. Look at me, I've gone from talking about you in my head to talking to you aloud! Maybe I'm losing it. Going mad with grief. Your handwriting's so different from my own, equally illegible scrawl. Yours is beautiful. It swirls and curves in different directions, leaning slightly forwards, the way you did when you talked to me. Mine goes straight up and down with no letters joined up, all broken and separate, just like how I feel now. You broke me.

They say that you can tell things about a person from their handwriting. Does yours tell me that you needed away out? Does it slant because you were pelting so fast through life that you missed a childhood thanks to Hollywood? Is it large because your whole life was to the max, up there in front of everyone? Is it joined up because you never wanted it to end, the way your perfect life did when you went home after filming?

I'm curled up on our bed, on your side. Our room looks different from this angle but it makes me feel close to you because this is what you saw when you woke up on a morning. I'm clutching the note.

_To Sonny,_

_ I know that you won't understand this, what I'm doing. It's not in you to comprehend me. Just know that I love you with all my heart and that I'm only going where you can't follow. I'm not leaving you. I won't burden you with the reasons why because you'll know them already, because you know me better than I know myself. It's a cliché but it's true._

_I hate you Munroe. I hate you so much that I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_ Chad x_

Short and sweet. I smooth out the wrinkles in the sheet to make it perfect, just like you. It smells like you.

I hate you too, Cooper.

I love you I love you I love you so much so very much how could you do this to me wake up why won't you wake up JUST WAKE UP.

* * *

Tawni walks in to see why I'm not back from fetching my perfume yet and sees the way I'm holding you and says, 'I think I'd better call 911.'

**A/N Love it? Hate it? I really like this story. :D I'm proud of myself. Sorry that it's so depressing. Pwetty pwetty pwease review. *Puppy dog eyes***


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